Just Do Nothing!
By Michael Sigman
One man’s solution to the writers strike
TO: Steven, Jeffrey, Les et al.
FROM: Michael
RE: Idled production
OK, guys, listen up. Here’s a foolproof way to monetize the strike while developing a totally unique franchise with endless hours of syndicatable programming.
You’re all scrambling to put on low-cost, writer-free reality shows, but you’ve overlooked the obvious. You see, all the current shows feature people doing things. Our show, Nothing Doing!, spotlights real people, in real time, doing absolutely nothing.
We’re not talking Seinfeldian nothing here. I went back and watched several old episodes of that warhorse, and in every one the characters are doing things. Yes, those things may be shallow and even meaningless, but they’re things nonetheless. Even in the one where they’re betting on how long they can last without doing something (in this case, masturbating), they all succumb and, in the end, perform the act.
On Nothing Doing! players will sit still on cushions and practice silent meditation. As soon as a contestant does something (e.g., wiggles a finger, sneezes, bursts into tears), he or she is eliminated. The audience will be rapt as they try to detect any microscopic movement, and they’ll howl at bad judgment calls by the refs. (All refs will be monks with at least 10,000 hours of doing nothing under their belts. Instant replay can be used to settle disputes.) Eventually-and this could take the whole season, and even bleed into the next-one meditator will be left sitting and win the jackpot.
And here’s the beauty part. The Dalai Lama, who works for nothing, will give out the prizes. Second place is a free trip to the silent meditation retreat of the runner-up’s choice. The top award is nothing less than the greatest gift His Holiness himself ever received. (When he received this present during one of those joyous Buddhist things, he exclaimed, “This is what I’ve been waiting for all my life.”)
The gift? You guessed it: Nothing.
This show will cost next-to-nothing to produce. Set design? A few Buddha statues. Music? Well, The Duke’s “Do Nothing Till You Hear From Me” could work but might be expensive. Cheaper and better to use John Cage’s immortal “4′ 33,” in which the pianist goes to the keyboard, puts up the score, and plays nothing for four-and-a-half minutes.
Advertisers will line up to sponsor a show that penetrates the burgeoning meditation demo. (Though best to stay away from Big Pharma, as it’s been pretty conclusively proven that doing nothing is far healthier than most of the meds they peddle.) The show will be a smash around the world, and you don’t need to hire translators!
Ancillaries? Forget about it. First, brand everything with the slogan Nothing Doing! (It’ll be the biggest thing since “Just Do It.”) Then start cross-platforming like crazy-DVDs, YouTube, Google, iPhone, etc. To say nothing of Nothing Doing! T-shirts and other apparel. The leveraging will be positively Archimedean!
Call to discuss when you have a sec. If I don’t pick up, I’m doing nothing and will get back to you.